Who Am I Now? Motherhood, Identity and Rediscovering your Style

Motherhood, with all its beautiful moments, memories made and legacy created, doesn’t always feel like the most glamorous thing does it. In the midst of tantrums, kitchen raids, sibling arguments, preparing dinners that just get noses turned up, being on your hands and knees tidying spills and bedrooms, reminding for the sixteenth time that a toothbrush exists, coordinating multiple schedules, trying not to break speed laws getting them from one place to another, organising playdates when you haven’t seen your own friends in months, spending entire life savings trying to keep them entertained during the holidays, paying extortionate amounts to be able to actually go on holiday during the holidays - it’s easy to understand why something mums commonly say is they feel their sense of self has been lost. 

In my Horsham studio, when a client comes to see me for the first time this is something that often comes up in conversation when I ask “What has brought you here?” I’m hoping the answer to that question will give me a good indication of where someone is at in their journey so I can help them to the best of my ability. And with mums, the loss of sense of self is always the main headline. 

As mums we give away parts of ourselves every day don’t we. Of course that’s natural - these little people came from our bodies and the very reason they exist is because of a biological process that happened in the depths of us. I don’t consider that ‘losing of self’ a negative - in fact I think it’s totally natural and if that wasn’t there it’s an indicator that something might be a bit wrong. But I think there comes a point with every woman where she’s ready to find her true sense of self again. That might come at different times for different people, but when it comes we need to recognise that and not ignore it - otherwise the risk is waiting too long, and then that journey of rediscovery becomes even harder.

A person’s sense of style and how they dress forms a huge part of that rediscovery journey. After having kids, we often have different shaped bodies and this makes pre-baby clothes feel different. As a result, finding pieces that feel right from our existing wardrobe can be tricky - with possibly the exception of pyjamas, stretchy joggers and that baggy tshirt we wear at home when no-one is looking. 

Between nappy changes and school drop-offs there’s not really time for elaborate outfits, let alone needing clothes to be super practical. The ideal is easy and stylish, but we don’t really know how to achieve this. In the early days, nursing-friendly, stain-proof and comfortable clothes often win above whatever happens to be on trend - and we’re too tired to care anyway!

Then there are changes in financial priorities. One day they’re not here, the next they are a whole separate person and their needs come first. This leaves less financial room for our own wardrobe updates. The classic mum guilt sets in as we hesitate to invest in ourselves and feel bad about shopping for new clothes instead of spending on the kids. And from a care point of view, after we’ve met everyone else’s needs we tend to feature pretty low on the list which leads to lack of self-care and sometimes frustration. 

This isn’t just about clothes - all of this together ultimately affects confidence and overall wellbeing, while our sense of self from a few years ago takes a battering and we become changed versions of ourselves that are sometimes really hard to recognise. Who are we now? What do we see when we look in the mirror?

Wearing clothes that don’t fit right or don’t reflect our own style or personality can make us feel uncomfortable in our own skin and start to question how we fit in with the world around us. That signature jacket you felt amazing in before, might not fit anymore. Those boots that made you feel powerful whenever you put them on, might not make sense in your wardrobe anymore. The mental load of parenting is heavy, and adding the stress of wondering what to wear every day to the list is exhausting.

However impossible it might feel at times, balancing motherhood and rediscovering our sense of personal style is totally achievable. That might sound daunting and like you’d be fighting a losing battle, but there are some little things you can do that might be easier and more straight-forward than you might think. Here are a few thoughts.

Invest in Versatile Basics

A well-fitting pair of jeans, a go-to top in your best colours, a classic jacket and trainers that reflect your personality, can make getting dressed feel less of a strain and more enjoyable. Your body might still be changing post-kids, but rest assured from this point onwards body changes aren’t going to just be down to that! As women we experience many changes throughout the course of life and as we get older, but that shouldn’t be a reason not to feel amazing in our bodies the way they are now. Great style isn’t just about dressing up to the nines - it’s incorporating elements into the mundane to support whatever role you’ll be playing every day.

Know What Suits You

Chances are we’re time-poor in the mornings, so to simplify getting dressed, construct a few outfit combinations that make you feel great straight away, however tired you are! Then there will be less overwhelm and self-doubt, and more focus and satisfaction with your clothing choices. If you’re thinking you have no idea what suits you, Colour and Style Analysis are perfect ways to find out the answer.

Embrace the Change

Don’t expect your body to return to pre-kids shape - that likely won’t happen so as said already, you may as well enjoy the changing seasons of your life and feel better for it! Clothes that compliment your body shape now will always look more stylish than trying to make something work that ultimately isn’t going to. Being realistic about this will serve you going forward. Something I hear a lot from clients is that they don’t know how to dress for the age they are now, and it might be a few years since you’ve been intentional in thinking about this. That’s another way I can help.

Declutter your Wardrobe

It might be time to go all in! Let go of pieces that don’t serve you anymore and make space for ones that do. You might have been hanging onto things thinking you might return to them, and there might be some you can but if there are pieces you know you’ll never wear again, they just don’t deserve a place in your wardrobe. Clear space creates clear thinking and if your wardrobe is full of stuff you don’t connect with, the vision of yourself in pieces that you love will be much harder to reach. You can decide what to do with the ‘no’ pile - donate, sell on Vinted, or hand over for fancy dress purposes! If there are pieces you’re not sure about, put them in storage under your bed or in the attic, and if in a few months’ time you’ve not missed them you can make the break then.

Give Yourself Permission

You need to know that investing in yourself isn’t selfish. It might feel like a realigning of priorities and that’s ok. You are worth being looked after. You deserve to feel confident and special. As much as your kids are part of your family and they are important, you are part of your family too. Life is a balancing act isn’t it, and this is my encouragement to make sure as well as tending to the offspring you are also listening to your needs.

If we run ourselves ragged and let that sense of self and identity slip away, that is the example we set for our kids. That’s who they see. Whatever words we use, the reality is monkey see monkey do. I don’t know about you but I want my children to be people who go for what they want, who are determined, balanced, make space for themselves when they need it, follow their own hopes and desires and respect themselves enough to learn who they are and with that be confident and unapologetic.

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Michaela is a Colour and Image Consultant, helping individuals and professionals make confident, informed choices about how they present themselves.

Through personalised colour analysis, image guidance and makeup advice, Michaela supports clients in discovering the colours, styles and makeup tones that suit them best, helping align their appearance with who they are and how they want to be perceived.

Her approach is thoughtful and practical, grounded in the belief that clarity in personal style reduces decision fatigue, builds confidence and allows people to show up more fully in their work and lives.

Michaela lives in Horsham and works from her studio based in the town centre.  Contact Michaela at michaela.sargeant@houseofcolour.co.uk, visit the webpage follow on Instagram and Facebook @houseofcolour.michaelasargeant.